reeling

I said goodbye, again
Again and again and again...so it has been

But what I wanted to tell you, the words that came out of my mouth, were truths, honest reflections of my growth. Maybe it wasn't enough.

Because, apparently, I just sit there while you do all the talking.
So maybe this time it was my turn to open up, to express. I'm sure I fell short,
Again.

I guess I always do, fall short that is. Fall short of making you happy, fall short of giving you what you want or what you need. Which is why I had to turn away.

Can't you see? I knew all the wrong I was doing. I recognized it. I hesitated leaving because I was selfish, because I wanted you all to myself...like squeezing a puppy till you hurt it knowing you might be hurting it, but being overcome with excitement and the urge to squeeze...I hurt you.

And now I think you'll resent me for everything. But that doesnt hurt as much as knowing that I hurt you.

If you must, please...resent me. If it makes you whole, if resentment or regret helps heal you, I accept it with all that I am.

And its enough already, I know that as well. Enough going back and forth. For both of us.

So, here is the big test. Not whether I can recognize that I'm hurting you and leave, not whether I can try to make anything up to you or prove that I actually have cared from the beginning, but the test is whether I can truly respect your wishes. Whether I can let you go. Let you be...dont call you, dont text you, dont think about you, somehow block you from my dreams, erase your face from my memory when I hear a song that reminds me of you, not run into you, and throughout, respecting your space and your growth.

That would make me feel better about myself because I'd finally be putting you first. That might, somehow, redeem the pain you've suffered at my hands.