care.less

i am "djing"
which really means i'm standing in the dj booth looking online and thinking about life.
i have few of these nights left. here at bar 13 in union square in new york city on a tuesday night.
am i to cherish these moments...
but are these not the moments i'll remember in my last days?
or maybe i'll remember the characters i've come across.
recently i've come to know a young man across the street at 'little italy pizza'.
its a relatively new spot - relative to the 5 or so years i've been at bar 13 every tuesday.
i think it used to be a bagel place but was never open late.
for the past two or six months (never can tell) i've been going there after "work" to get a slice of pizza...this has contradicted my daily exercise and healthy food routine.
the young man behind the counter is always friendly. bright blue eyes and a great smile. he is very inviting and considerate and genuinely wants to know how i am and how my "work" was. i am always polite and increasingly friendly as i've come to know him.
although he is a new friend, i recognize that he will not be a friend for long.
and that enables me to recognize the many people i've met in this life.
this new york city life.

so to you, young man that works across the street who i'll likely visit in 2 hours this very evening, i wish you a beautiful healthy life - one filled with joy, adventure, knowledge, love, excitement and accomplishment. i wish that you - when the time has come - will lay back and be content and grateful for all that you've seen in this world.
for these wishes i pray for you, i hope for myself as well, and for all those i love and who have touched me in my life.

bringin it in, two thousand elev...in

Major decisions spark drastic change and innovation.

The end of *snapshot* is near...so very near in fact I can smell a Tuesday night without the obligation of being at a club.

My thirty first...o shit did I just say that...ahem, my thirty first birthday was last week.
I decided to close *snapshot*, to move out of my apartment and to re-organize my focus.

damn.

Time Capsule

I often think about taking this blog down.
Its not much of a "blog" as blogs have come to be known.
When it first began, my friend Jodi was writing about her daily life and it was something fun to do at work. After I read the Post from cover to cover, had my coffee and breakfast, taken down all of the messages from the night before, I'd read her blog. It was then that I decided to start writing my own.
I never intended much of it. I simply wanted to chronicle my life using words on a page - a page that I could access just about anywhere and that my friends and those who might be mentioned in the pages could access.
Times have changed.
It is over six years since I began this project.
I am thirty years old.
When I began, I had not yet begun law school.
I was working as a receptionist at an audio post production house in Flatiron.
I was living in a very small apartment in the east village.
I had not yet started the weekly queer party that was soon to consume the next six years of my life.
Both of my grandparents were still alive.
I was dating a child and did not know or think to know better.
George Bush was president.
The train was $2.00.

What sticks out most in my mind is what I recall of my eager outlook on the world.
It was truly as if I could do or be anything I wanted, and I honestly believed it would happen.

I was young, ambitious, effortlessly creative and eager to begin my journey.

-----

I will not remove the blog today, but one day I will.
And like most things in my life, it will simply be a thing of my past.
Something that has helped me grow, has acted as an outlet, and has supported who I was at that period.
And though I am feeling quite nostalgic at this moment, I'm sure the next thing I move on to will satisfy that part of me just as well if not better.

crisp

whether its the weather
sharpening the air I breath
or the shorter days pressuring my needs

I feel myself, separate and apart from anything
separate and apart from anyone
and totally intertwined with what I want done

The goals seem closer
The life, fuller

The movements seem swifter
The thoughts, no filter

and on to the next
choose your own adventure
new chapter, new book

Turn the page

Some fruit turns sour
if not picked when ripe

Some boats set sail
in the middle of the night

Some opportunities
disappear out of sight

We are bound by our decisions
whether wrong or right

...

But now,
After breaths deep have been exhaled
After hair pulled has been discarded
After options reviewed and fantasies shattered,
Only now can we turn the page.
Turn to the future, the reality of what can be...and as a result, will be.

Each day we move closer to who we are, sit more comfortably in our skin, walk upright with dedication to the pull of certainty.

reeling

I said goodbye, again
Again and again and again...so it has been

But what I wanted to tell you, the words that came out of my mouth, were truths, honest reflections of my growth. Maybe it wasn't enough.

Because, apparently, I just sit there while you do all the talking.
So maybe this time it was my turn to open up, to express. I'm sure I fell short,
Again.

I guess I always do, fall short that is. Fall short of making you happy, fall short of giving you what you want or what you need. Which is why I had to turn away.

Can't you see? I knew all the wrong I was doing. I recognized it. I hesitated leaving because I was selfish, because I wanted you all to myself...like squeezing a puppy till you hurt it knowing you might be hurting it, but being overcome with excitement and the urge to squeeze...I hurt you.

And now I think you'll resent me for everything. But that doesnt hurt as much as knowing that I hurt you.

If you must, please...resent me. If it makes you whole, if resentment or regret helps heal you, I accept it with all that I am.

And its enough already, I know that as well. Enough going back and forth. For both of us.

So, here is the big test. Not whether I can recognize that I'm hurting you and leave, not whether I can try to make anything up to you or prove that I actually have cared from the beginning, but the test is whether I can truly respect your wishes. Whether I can let you go. Let you be...dont call you, dont text you, dont think about you, somehow block you from my dreams, erase your face from my memory when I hear a song that reminds me of you, not run into you, and throughout, respecting your space and your growth.

That would make me feel better about myself because I'd finally be putting you first. That might, somehow, redeem the pain you've suffered at my hands.

Colorado Holorado

The trip began in a frenzy.

Court in the morning, rushing all day,
I was trying to beat the clock.

Little did I know that it was out of my hands
and the clock, it almost beat me.

Sitting in a cab, checking the time,
traffic at rush hour on the BQE.

Asking the cabby what he thought, then he laughed,
should have left early.

Rush through the door bag in hand, beg the lady at the counter to let me in,
she says "no worries love, you've got plenty of time, its those folks in denver that are on their grind".

Plenty of time was right, as she said, I sat and ate food while the plane was prepared.

Passed out cold upon take off, though I still had plenty to do.

Awoke sometime later, with more work on my mind
next thing I knew we were descending right on time.

Met up with the fam, quite a feet to get together,
Tara, Alex, Nate and Sam, the Perez fam kickin it cold like the weather.

2 hour shuttle, McDonalds and some smokes, back to the grind on the ride.
Arrive at the condo, Dino in sleep duds, convo's and beer, then back to the grind.

I was up till 4am, thats 6am NYC time.
Work work work work work work work. Passed out for a couple of hours.

Jumped on the lift scared at first, thought I'd fall and hit my face,
Landed it smooth felt a surge of confidence, i was ready for the day.

At first we stayed as a group and rode, slowing and waiting for the crew
then it soon became apparent that my 7 year absence had really not affected my flow.

The next day we rode, Alex me and Gabe and shredded the whole mountain wide
Not stopping for a break, think we did Christmas in 4 minutes, holy shit did we ride.

Dinner and drinks and memories for days...these trips mean so much more
so much more than a bougie condo and a fancy ski resort,
so much more than a few days away from work and the daily,
so much more than a get together with some family members you dont always see,
truly, really, these are the moments that make us, the moments that form our foundations, mold our beliefs and experiences, create the person we are at that moment.

These are the moments that matter.

sitting in the 'lac

another day another dolla
but it...makes me wanna holla

still i find a new way
open the shades to a sunglasses day

drinking beers with you
takes me back to memories i have few

its all about me tho
cuz i cant see through this tinted window

the unknown is deeply blinding
dont really wonder who's pulling the string

more social is as social does
more things get done without the was

tiptoe splashes puddles abound
slightly less scared when you're around

eager and anxious reappearing often
wiser and blatant my perception softens

to write is to heal and expand and advance
to think is to leave most everything to chance

sidways steps and backward alleys
kissing behind dumpsters and 7pm rallys

this is the year I turn 30.

choking

do you ever get emotional to the point where you choke back your tears in an effort to maintain calm because if you let it out you might just break into a billion little pieces?

how can a word, an image, a sound, bring forth such intensity and passion so as to stand every hair on the back of your neck straight up, or cause a tingle on the tip of your tongue, or create a warmth deep in your belly?

When was the last time you TRULY believed.

In anything?

Thank you Mr. President.

birth

as the day grows nearer
i wish to regress

back to the days i first fell in love so deep i drowned in it

when i was first excited about a graduate education and the possibilities of a future

when i was so careless my creativity sprung like leaks from a punctured hose

when i was free to move about the country and the world as if i had no anchor

when i dug deep and found out who i truly was amidst the confusion and growing up

when i experienced so many things for the first time

when i grew to make decisions on my own

when i was john

when i was nurtured and looked after

when i was the joy and happiness brought to a loving family

when i was in the womb, so warm and comforting

--

alas, these days move forward, often seemingly at the speed of light.
as i try to hold on, fingers tightly gripping the safety bars, i see only the things that truly matter.
I see that the fun times and the excitement and the "living" i once yearned for so bad, all these things are not what they seem. and all these things are nothing in light of the brightness that emanates from the true value of life and love.

family, compassion, generosity, love, comfort, trust.

as time seems to win the race against me, these are what i hold on to. these are what make me whole

without them, i am empty.

Drowning

What can i say
what can i do
is there any way
to get close to you

its cold outside
where you stay
but my heart
is not far away

i take a look
into your soul
as i walk around these streets of yours

im drowning.

day 1

its interesting that we, as a people who are controlled by our climate and surroundings, are triggered to feel certain things at different times of the year. Part of it is social - for example craving hot cocoa and turkey with cranberry when it starts to get cold. But some of it is our climate and weather change. so we're forced to recognize the end of summer after Labor Day and I hate it, officially.
Hate with a capital "H".

My life was supposed to get organized today. So here we go...day 1.

Blue

I'm blue
Da ba dee
Da ba doo
Da ba dee
Da ba doo
Da ba dee
Da ba doo.

Conveniently, the sky is grey....so we kinda match.

But I went camping this weekend and it was beautiful and sunny out. The sun was shining the whole way down the river while Butt Buddy and Bomber and I drank and smoked our way to the end of the river course...no rapids.

jackhammer

Why does work have to suck so bad?

Salsa dancing in Newport News Virginia.

Eating fresh coconut from a tree in Cockpit Country Jamaica.

Taking pictures on the beach in San Diego California.

Writing letters by the Charles river in Boston, Massachusetts.

Climbing cliffs in Riomaggiore - Cinque Terre, Italy.

Playing acoustic guitar in the woods at Michigan Womyns Festival, Michigan.

Climbing the stairs up the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.

Sitting in my cubicle in New York, New York.

motion - e

today was gloomy.
I awoke to the sound of rain on my window and emptiness in my soul.
I knew there were tasks ahead of me and I wanted nothing to do with them.

and I rode my bike.
uphill.
and the uphill seemed to last for miles. much longer than I was prepared for. so much uphill that Im not sure I reached a top, if there were ever a top.

because, this is not about you, this is about me. and for me, its not about you, its about me.

so why can't I stop thinking of you. is there anything left in me?

supposedly the inspiration will come, the words will flow out of my mouth like vomit after too much Jameson's.

Until then I clean, and keep busy, and think of ways to be inspired.

What do I like to do? Where do I like to go?

Why do I feel so fucking privileged - whining when I truly have it all. So much more than so many others. Im so sick of feeling sorry for myself. But I feel so lost its all I can muster to feel.

Independence Day

Figures.
Im trying to decipher if this is independence from a life I've become accustomed to living, or if its regaining dependence on myself...because I've been independent from who I really am?

Or is that what they're trying to brainwash me to think?
Why do emotions have so much to say...and why do they have such a strong grip on our impressions of reality?

Its true though, nothing comes out clear anymore. The melodies don't seep from my brain onto paper or into a song. I sometimes feel as though I can glance down a long tube, or even a well, and deep in it is me. Far far from the body and daily tasks and "life" that keeps the other parts of me busy.

It was strange, and I could almost feel it coming on. Like a dark grey storm cloud, but you're inside watching a movie so you dont really care. But after its been raining for months, you start to wonder.

It began with those feelings like I was in quicksand. Like I'd try to get up and live, but it just wouldnt happen. At first I fought it as hard as I could. Then I grew accustomed to it, and felt quite satisfied being stuck.

Now someone has shaken me...like I've been in a daze and someone snapped their fingers in front of my eyes. I'm still in that initial shock phase, looking around trying to figure out where I am, who I am, what Im doing. And I'm still half in the daze...so Im sort of hesitant to come out of it, because its comfortable in there. Warm and fuzzy, cozy and familiar. And I dont know whats out there when I come out of the daze. Is it anything like where I just was? Will I ever fall back into the daze? Whats really so wrong with the daze anyways?

Ah yes, living. The thing I wasnt doing so well while in the daze. This is what is so wrong with my very recent previous state of mind.

So this is a good thing, right? Yes. She said, he said, I said, they said.
I think the next step is to wake up. Take a big breath, stretch, splash some water on my face.

I wonder if thats why I was having so much anxiety. Like my body trying to get me out of what ever parallel world I was in.

Life is a fucking trip. Everything changes constantly. But this can be a good thing.

This is a good thing.