4.29.2005

transition

I find myself grinding through my obligations and fleeing through my associations

I see loud and clear and am blinded by what i do not want to hear

I am focused on what is in front of me while turning my back to what they want from me

it creeps

up on me like a sneeze.

she lies

quiety while she breaths.

the warmth of her skin

and i want to stay in.

4.25.2005

the words the work the dream

its almost unbelievable, like you feel its all a joke.
no one can be this true.
where the engery and excitement for something explodes out of her.
how rare it is to find such honesty, such faith in what you do.

there is never doubt in our conversations.
there is never fear of pain or loss.

something reassuring about her sincerity.
something urging me to move on.

because behind those captivating eyes,
an effortless beauty lies.

a truth in every thought conjured, every word spoken, every goal envisioned.

this is why i call her beautiful.

natural and strong. i find few internal conflicts when considering her ambition. and the determination?
her determination, her commitment, her drive.
all so present, so present you can even find it in tangible form.
you can find it by simply looking at her shape, at her hard work, at her devotion...to herself.

this is beautiful.

i'll admit that the result is a physical presence unparalleled, accompanied by the natural beauty shamelessly flowing from her lips, her eyes, her hair, her smile.

the combination leaves me breathless, anxious, appreciative, in awe of this strong, beautiful woman.

thank you for my many moments.

4.16.2005

addiction

i have just spent the last five days consecutively with someone.
she literally picked me up from the airport after arriving in from paris, did not leave my side until friday, then came back to stay with me last night. tonight, much to both of our frustration, we are unable to see eachother.

i tell myself that i am stocking up in order to get my fill for when im in finals, more importantly when i begin studying for finals this week...but im afraid im just adding to my addiction.

like, instead of slowly weening myself off of her, im inhaling as much as i can in anticipation of not seeing her.
i dont think this is a good theory.

i dont think it is simply because it is the typical lesbo set up...
you meet, you soon realize that you want to spend all of your time together, and then you do...spend ALL of your time together.

this is where we loose the individuality that we eventually crave after being stuck in a relationship for too long. its not that you've been in a relationship, its that you gave up too much of yourself, too much of your independence.

so anywyas, im trying really hard to not give up too much of that in this situaiton.
problem is, im really bad at controlling my addictions. and i feel that right now, im generally addicted.
it is in all areas of my life...the weed, the drink, the smoke, the girl, the late nights, and most importantly, the loss of respect for my time.

i feel like im on a perpetual vacation where i can do whatever i want, whenever i want, with whomever i want.

i guess my only consultation is that i am having a fucking fantastic time right now and find myself to be increasingly happy. i wake up excited to see where the day will take me, anxious for the many adventures that seem to find my way.

i havent even begun to describe paris or amsterdam or my time with my most favoritest person in the whole world...

i'll do that soon enough, just know that amsterdam was rushed but unforgettable. paris was the shit. the shopping, the people, the laughing, the memories...

i have to recognize that i have so many beautiful memories in my life that i will always have a bank from which to withdraw smiles. i've had a pretty good run thus far and the future is looking brighter than ever.

4.14.2005

spring

something about the springtime that makes common sound so good on the radio.
something about the sunshine that brings the excitement out my mind.

windows open, smooth beats flowiin

something about the springtime that gets people out, gets people smilin, gets people to where its like we all just moved to this city and thoughts of enduring the winter together have vanished.

and the mornings are earlier, days longer, nights hotter.
and your concentration is diluted by the sun.

so all you want to do is inhale.

4.10.2005

amsterdam

so here it is...im actually in paris right now.
BUT
N8 and i just came back from amsterdam...not much to say, just check the pics...



















4.06.2005

damn

i was fucking drunk last night.

so im slowly recovering vague memories of eating half of a chicken parm at like 2
smoking a lot of cigarettes
and just when i thought i was in the clear...

i remembered my blog.

whatever, i'll leave it on here because it came out of my head for a reason.

but i think i know the reason.
i've been spending a lot of time with someone lately
and being with her is stirring up some feelings, probably because i havent consistently "hung out" with anyone as serious as this since my ex girlfriend.

dont get me wrong, i've been "hanging out" with a significant amount of people...just not as frequently as i am doing now.

i mean, i see this girl like every other day.
long nights, great days, all that shit

so i guess i am just recalling what it feels like to start feeling for someone...get it?

but stop calling her my girlfriend, silvia.

and i dont know why

thing is
i have no idea why you've been on my mind so much lately...
cuz i cant seem to get you out

and i woke up this morning with you on the tip of my tongue

but really

i thought i was over you.
and i cant describe the feelings i've been having lately

i have to wonder if you've been feeling them too.

but i honestly doubt it...simply because i believe you've found a way to cloud your true feelings
and if your true feelings lie where you sleep at night
then im afraid i must continue on with my path.

but i cant help but blame it on the weather...and the scents i put on in the spring.
cuz you were there for all of that.

why are you in my head.
why do you cause such frustration
such confusion
such speculation

are you really happy?
i must know.
are you truly where you want to be?

because i cant help but feel the need
feel the urge
feel the passion

inside me
for you

and it kills me
it destroys my sense of being.

to think that im still so bullshit over you
after all that you have done
after all that i have grown.

and the bright future ahead of me
seems to be clouded with sleepless nights remembering you in my arms

i must ask...

are you truly happy?

do you feel the same as i do?

sometimes i wish you would call...just to hear your voice on the line...
just to pretend that you are mine.

but i guess in this fantasy world you are mine

and you will always be.

in my heart, in my thoughts, indents still left on the left side of the bed.

sometimes i wish you would come back to me...and i wonder if i would actually...

take you back

4.04.2005

Shana for Pope

4.03.2005

caught up

whether its
the lifestyle
the drinking
the ass
the sleepless nights
the addictive substances in everything i ingest

or, maybe just the laughing and the memories

whatever it is,
im lovin it.

but i think the best part about it,
is that i am still managing to get my shit done.

in between trips to miami
trips to paris
huge parties
and law school,

ive decided that this is the good life.
i seem to be getting almost everything that i want
i seem to be smiling almost all the time
i seem to be growing with the passing of time

but i must not get caught up in some of theses things
one of these things has got me cravin more
time for this thing has taken over

so this thing, i must avoid you,
as much as i want you
i realize just how you
creep in my mind
with that ass
with that smile

damn. its good.