12.27.2004

2b bored.

this is what it is like.

wow.
i have to leave, but im having a hard time doing that. how is it possible that new york could be stressing me out from here... i have been in the sunshine, in flip flops, chillin.
and im stressed about nyc. just a little bit.

im still here for a minute but i have no idea what to do for new years. im actually on the phone right now with jet blue to see if i can come back home for new years...not sure what to do.

and im doing business.
im actually not feeling incredibly self-indulgent today so this post is silly and distracted.

happy holidays and all that shit. i spent christmas in the desert. it was very fucking weird.

12.26.2004

san pedro

so there is this super strange subculture in los angeles...
if you know anyone from pedro you'll have to understand what im saying.
they love their little town/fishing village whatever it is...
anyways thats where i am right now. enjoying my new baby cousin who i just met and drinking wine with his mommy...
holidays are interesting, but family is good.

12.22.2004

vacation

when you can lay in bed and watch a good movie on your computer as it sits in your lap.
there are anxious moments that create anticipation of when exactly you are leaving.
and where are you going
but your head hurts because you havent eaten today, havent had enough water.
so i think it is coming. enough of the stalling

and now its time to go to LA

12.18.2004


1027041714.jpeg
Originally uploaded by shanasty.

12.15.2004

Dont Hesitate The Jump

"I would have never imagined that you, out of all of us, would be scared to jump. We've all jumped at least once. Just stop thinking about it, close your eyes, and step off the cliff."

and each day we grow older, i miss you
i wish you.

and i could always be what we are at our souls
i've never felt so...
you are my legend
the key to my map that i've refurbished and rearranged,
capitalism v. communism, facism, imperialism, judaism, realism, anti-this-ism

and fuck the growth because you will always be in me.
no matter how much bigger your shoe size, your free-throw, your batting stance.
please dont make me cry
make me empty
make me question you
make me regret you
doubt us

imagine a story i've made up
lost somewhere in my head jumbled with
days spent in trees
making bands
making movies
always creating with you

and i dont know exactly what it is about you
but its been there, always
like a gentle gravity pulling our truths together
sewing our lives together
bringing our eyes together
with your green beautiful depth
like a confession, but fulfilling and relative.

and this phase that i thought was a phase may not be that
in fact,
it might just be a dive into what feeds you
and im sorry for doubting you
you are the one i want by my side for the rest of my life
regardless of my state

you are my most beautiful connection.

titties

i think one of my favorite things about myself is that i am more than willing to get up on a stage, take off my shirt, and let a gay boy eat a taco from in between my tits.
i love it.
because, since i have pierced my nipples, i feel like the world deserves to see my breasts...like they've been missing out.
and when they see them...lemme tell ya
its a happy day for all

not to be all self righteous about my boobs, but come on
they are definitely nice to look at...i think if they werent mine i would look at them

but honestly
i must say that because of my "endowment" i've become more of an ass girl...
just look at my ex girlfriend...

but ya...these days its the ass that turns my head on the street. and there are some great moments walking to the train behind some women...is that like dirty old man talk
or just nasty talk

cuz thats me. apparently.
cuz i take my shirt off in front of a club full of people

what are you gonna do?


its now a new mood..a shirted mood.

im going home soon. real soon for like 3 weeks.
crazy

im annoyed because i am going to miss some people, but i may not want to miss "them"
right.
and thats that.

so back to my naked body, huh?

good night, its 3.34am.
get some sleep you have a final on thursday...
does anyone know what torts is?

12.12.2004

is it today still?

so i meant to write about the craziness that was the sound lounge holiday party that i was inadvertantly invited to. i was an honorary guest/ex employee, but it took me a couple of hours to feel comfortable that i wasnt crashing the party. you need not worry tho folks, because once i became comfortable, well...you can imagine.
the party was actually really nice because i was able to kick it with kids i truly miss and havent seen in a long time. being there made me miss my job and my ex co-workers, and question once again why i was in law school. i have since calmed my frustrations with my decision for being in school because i feel confident that i am giving it all i can give...so to speak.
anyways...i got pretty pretty shitty, i think i was making up for the three or four days that i havent been drinking because of finals.
its just so much fun to get wasted with these people. nuff said.
so i remember staying late and walking out of there barely able to see, getting into a cab, but it was one of those van cabs and i just felt funny in the back, like i was in high school and trying to hide from my mom how wasted i was.
but i got home safely and have returned to my boring no-drinking-must-study life.

thank you sound lounge...you are the best and i miss you all.


on another note...this guy in harlem said i was a man, or at least looked like one.
cant these people see the effort ive put into changing that fucking perception? im wearing a fucking pink shirt in my friendster pic people. PINK!

whatever.
i had a sensitive day on saturday. but im better now, and about to fail my civil procedure final.
kisses.

dirty jeans

ok kids...
so i have discovered something that many new yorkers have already discovered but i need to share it with you...
yesterday, in my frustration of studying, hang-over, and too-many-plans-for-a-day-i-needed-to-study, i opted to have my laundry picked up by a cleaning service. i had been hesitant about this for many months now. often i am faced with the time constraints that stunt my opportunity to do my laundry. i had received a coupon from this place and for some reason had decided to hang on to it. i had put it on my refridgerator until i felt compelled to use it. yesterday morning, i felt compelled to use it. so i called them and about 30 min later a man showed up to pick up my clothes and bath rugs. so i went on with my day and soon forgot about the oddity of the situation. i stopped thinking about whether my clothes would get ruined, how strange it would be to have someone folding my underwear, and if i would be comfortable with the way that they folded my clothes in general. i had even harbored conspiracy theories on how this was not a laundry service at all and in fact they set up this faux business and stole people's clothes. Soon the day was over and no worries had crossed my mind. i woke this morning, reached for the phone, and in 15 minutes my clothes appeared. they are clean, soft, folded nicely, and all wrapped up in plastic bags like they had been shrink-wrapped to travel across the ocean. it is adorable.
so i think the point of this post is to let you all know that it is OK to have your laundry picked up and done when you are too busy to do it. you have the nasty stamp of approval on that one.

werd.

12.10.2004

mask

and i feel like i dont belong
like you dont want me there

like we are all at a masquerade ball and im the only one not wearing a mask
and i can feel all of your eyes in me, on me, over me

and i feel disappointing
like i hurt you, left you cold when i may not have realized that i had an extra blanket

but i didnt mean to
and i dont want to

and i try to look at the evolution of it
the birth of it

i might remember where it began
when we ended what we had

and i got caught up
i got wrapped up and lost

and when i needed a map i didnt call you
i couldnt find you but i wasnt looking that way

it saddens me but i see the doubt in your eyes
like im that someone most despise

but i never thought i could become that
and i dont think i am that

in my representation as my only defense
i must say to you in this context
you've got it all wrong
had me misread for so long

i aplogize for the disappointment
but im disappointed that you could be so easily turned

maybe we can have a rennaissance because this is what i do
i stear clear and get whats good
and i know you do too
with that heart of yours

we used to, we used to , we used to
i could say that all day
but its true
we used to.

12.07.2004

exhaust

now i know what it feels like to be one of the smart kids in school
not that im smart, but ive been studying all day like i used to imagine them doing.

i dont think i have EVER done this much school work. ever.
i was just never really into school like the others.
i was into music, and making an ass of myself in the classroom
but not the work

so here i am, not making an ass of myself
and into the schoolwork

wow.
i am fucking exhausted.

12.05.2004

the lights

temperamental
like the weather in new york in december.
the bare tree limbs permitting vague glimpses of the stars.
they are always there, she said.
but i never see them
and i never see you.
i cant even rely on you coming home for the holidays.
not a relative, not a friend.
a distant, disconnected part of me.
so far away yet within everything that i do.
and sometimes i yearn for you to no avail
sometimes i look for you but always fail.
you creep in at uncomfortable times
you are uncomfortable,
like a mirror after you've been crying for hours.
you remind, you are the ghost of christmas past
cuz im a jew.
and after seeing you
i feel the need to renew all that i do
and how i see things
what i want to be type things
but the revelation it brings
draws me back in time
back in my mind, off my track, down that path
the one they said not to take, the one they warned you of
and i've been listening to them
and not to you.
i am sorry.
sorry for not seeing you, meeting with you, seeking you, being with you
and i hurt.
i hurt for the years we've missed, the moments passed, the sculpting progressed.
development disabled in your absence.
but some how ive managed to go on.
unaware what it would be like with you in me, aware that you are me.
somehow its been easier to divide us, pretend we are not us.
and i want you back.
i feel the pull, the draw, the resistance is minimal
so why not jump now
why not let you back.
come while the doors are open
before the sphinx's open their eyes, you must run across
have faith in your heart
now is the time that we can come together.
i've been unknowingly waiting.

stuck in the library

on a beautiful day
and all i want to do is go outside and play. and write.
write write write all about it.
much more interesting than this.
and my mother gives up, its too confusing
she'd ask the teacher to do it for her.
i dont blame her.

i woke this morning with a gigantic stupid grin on my face.
and an overwhelming urge to make music.

see, the inspiration lives inside of me,
it pushes and pulls thoughts, manipulations, concentrations
out of my head and onto a powerbook, or sometimes paper.
sometimes it gets stuck, and its like this strange thing i saw last night...
two people tightly embracing, and a third pushing his way through any possible opening,
birthing himself and struggling,
all the while they are wearing no skin, with their insides out. side.

so sometimes the thoughts get stuck and they have to struggle, push pull persist
and get out.
sometimes a pen sometimes a keyboard sometimes a cell phone with voice memo.

and "new forms" by roni size with bahamadia will always, always, always remind me of
HER.
the her i could never have, but somehow did on one distinctly randomn night.
the night that the stars lined up in such a way as to permit something that had been prohibited,
she prohibited, i prohibited, we were inhibited
but the memories flash with such a familiarity that im slow to recognize the years that have passed.
the changes that have crashed in my mind,


im afraid im quelling the passion within me in order to fit into a box, a mold that i didnt like in the first place.
but now im stuck in it, like jello.
unless, i eat through the horse hooves and find my way out of the box.

enough, i must start slurping jello...i think i'll get a stomach ache.

dating

a strange concept that comes with way too much baggage.
baggage, where they store your shit on a train.
a train going where,
who knows.
a train of thought lost in communication between what is and what should be, or what they told you it should be.
and now i wonder, a date?
ya i think so
dating?
certainly not a judgment call i can feel comfortable leaping to.
and nor can my participant.
leaping to the "dating" game would really hurt my chances with chuck woolery.
i mean really, why discuss such trivial issues.
enjoy these moments, the ones you can.
and who am i really
am i so incredibly distant that i am recognizable as those things that i once thought i was, but as of now i am not so sure.

and i miss london.
the thames river.
the people, the mood of the streets,
as though they are so old, been through so much,
so much change, such revision, decision, recision.
and now here i am.

and what do i want to do? she forced me to ask myself.
well shit.
if i go with my heart im afraid i'll forever view myself as a failure in other aspects.
if i go with my logic im afraid i'll be forever depressed upon what could have been if i would have gone with my heart.

but i guess a satisfied, humbled person waking every morning to the glory of creativity and the permission to move in exactly the way driven by the soul is happier both internally and eternally than

a lonely, unloved, desolate, wealthy, successful person who has nothing in the world save some wothless wordly posessions and some distant relatives.

and these are the questions.

what is your life, what leads you? what drives you to create, to meet people, to venture out into new york city with the crazy adventures following you into every creepy crevice and every straight-bar bathroom.

and what will happen when you come home. when there is no one there but you.
and yourself.
as if you hadnt seen eachother in years and couldnt quite think of the appropriate thing to say.
the silence in uncomfortable, almost unbearable

but you continue to think,
silence.
and i wonder what you are thinking...

12.04.2004

vino

so im debating having another glass of wine before my "date".
i've had one, but having another would entail opening up another bottle. i dont know if im prepared to do that since im pretty sure we'll open one at dinner.
but then i dont want to be too inebriated.
dates are funny arent they?
there are moments of discomfort, anxiety, getting to know one another...bla bla bla
but after a few dates everything is cool, and it becomes an entirely different situation.
like you are just hanging out with someone you really like, and you get to kiss...always a good thing.
so i dont know if dates are funny per se, but interesting definitely.
i like them tho.
it took me several years to go on my first "date"
only recently actually.
my past experiences involved going out and meeting people,
going out again, then maybe going home with the same people.
but never dates.
and never girlfriends.
thats another thing that i realized today.
i was having a discussion today with my friend about our ex-girlfriends and she was shocked to hear that i only have two.
technically i guess you could consider my first girlfriend just that, but we were "together" for one month and i only hold on to that because she was the first girl i was with...i figure she deserves a bit more than to be thrown into the pile with all the other girls who werent my girlfriend...
and believe me there are quite a few, and thats why my friend was so shocked.
maybe she thought i was some big ho, because she thinks ive been with all these women, and maybe i've been with some, just not as many as most might think.
anyways, of the women i have been with, only two of them have actually been my girlfriends...coincidentally, i lived with both of them.
im still trying to figure out how much the second one counted, but the first one was certainly a lesbian psuedo-marraige...four year type shit.
thank god thats over.
actually thank god they are both over.
dates are great these days.
especially dates with this one...
she's a great date.
every date we've had has been fulfilling
enough about me.
wait a minute, why are you reading this then...
i've got to get ready for my date.

12.03.2004

reach

so i've begun to stretch.
and the tingling goes on for miles, down the lengths of my legs, through my knees, ankles, and toes.
the white, lite green, and baby blue knee-high puma socks make me feel like im in "fame" or "flashdance", or maybe im j-lo.
i've learned a new trick and it might soon become a favorite position.
i lie on my back with my legs up my wall.
does that make sense.

i've decided that i love maps.

it is interesting how different people view thier body's.
some are freaked out when they imagine the organs working and the bones moving and the blood pumping. they can't touch thier bones through the skin.
others expend countless hours perfecting and improving their body's physical capacity. they run, sweat, stretch, strengthen, expand, and tune with precision.

the gym at chelsea piers is unbelievable.
it might be the pimpest gym i've seen.
the pool is surrounded by windows and the hudson river.
i had a fun day today at the gym with my friend.
we played one on one b-ball, shot around.
great conversation with this one, always.
we've always kind of gotten one antoher, like a certain part of us is the same.
there are plenty of differences, but the similarities strike me on occaision.
i appreciate them, respect them, and am often amazed at them.
but we always have good conversations and i think this is why.
she does have good conversations with many others im sure.
i think in general she's a good conversationalist.

thanks for the day my friend.

12.01.2004

calm

so i am trying to understand my feelings at this moment since i have never found myself in such a situation.
i am extremely aware of my physical presence, my breaths, the tiny hairs on my arms.
and my head has been surrounded with a numbing haze. like the strange wavy glare on heated pavement.
eyes diverting mirages and visages
do i cry?
what was that sudden overwhelming flood that nearly knocked me off of my feet when the words were spoken.
do i feel lonely? as if some remote part of me has escaped, or been set free.
i feel oddly detached, as if watching from afar another story, another life not my own.
and this is nature. or at least thats what they say.
i sense a different association hidden deep in crevices i thought not to exist.
like a realization, a glimpse of what we crave to know.
as though truth had been given to me in its clearest form for that instant
that moment when i knew not what to do
how to stand
what words to speak
where to put my eyes.
and now i feel calm,
like i know the answer to the big test we are all about to take.

morris fried 12.01.04