Live from VA

and i was really curious to see if i was going to feel weird.
but i dont.
so now i am really curious to know why i dont feel weird.
like this situation is natural.
like i am meant to have a relationship with some people
thing is
i wonder what kind of relationship i am supposed to have with other people.
but its no problem
wont keep me up nights
but just might
subtly sooth my mind
and remind
that it is ok, this is ok
and life will continue to spin out of control
just keep hold of the reigns.

Right now, i love you

Right now, i love you
Originally uploaded by shanasty.

on the occaision

there used to be this man.
this man when i would walk to work in the spring time...
he worked across the street from where i live and i would pass him often.
i wouldnt see him everyday, but often enough to where we developed a recognition of one another.

so this man,
as he was doing whatever he did outdoors at 8 am on the springtime weekdays,
would say good morning in such a polite manner,
would smile,
and just as i passed would whisper under his breath,
"beautiful".

and he did this more than once.
he may have done it three or four times to the point that he knew i heard him and he was communicating with me in a strange diluted way.

so at first i thought it sweet, odd, but sweet...then it got to the point where i began to appreciate his words, his smile, his respect.
he was gentle
and seemed kind.

thing is...you would have never expected him to be.
he was a big guy, shaved head, maybe some facial hair,
he would wear black Sepultura hoodies and maybe rock a piercing or two.

someone i would have hung out with when i was in high school, someone who grew up trying to be dave mustane or kirk hammet or dimebag daryl. someone i might have gotten high with, gotten drunk with, started a band with, smoked cigarettes behind the church with.
so it was comforting, in its own unique way.

anyways, i miss that man in the wintertime,
and all the time
that i see this time
as it passes
and flashes
memories become the reality
there is no time to consider the present
because in the event
that presence is misconstrued
or removed
it becomes apparent
there is no room
for moments
that lack
truth.

---

--

pro-crast-in-ate

so im here with my friend brenna b
say hi brenna
hi
so we're listening to ani...dilate, the song, not the album.

"in a grey boring square law school room, we're creating so much joy!"
thanks brenna b.

and they post "i saw you last night at snapshot" things on craigslist while i complain about not doing the work i am supposed to be doing.

i really love babies and have always wanted to be a parent.
im mo.
what lesbo are you?

no american beauty references in the craigslist post.
and brenna b wants to stalk bitch. i like bitch.

so the film last night was pimp but i have to admit i was disappointed that i didnt get to see one face. especially since we had discussed the film and anticipated it but o well...off to another country and off to another direction...memories lost time passed and now i am FUCKING PROCRASTINATING writing my paper. sorry jen (my personal educational ass-kisser).

we're creating joy.

what a funny day...and i feel so completely unaffected by the results of last night. like usually i get a bit giddy or like an afterglow of something...but i dont really feel anything. im being elusive.
but it has to do with dick.

maybe i'll write my paper now...

queer people

so i might recall a time when i heard this phrase and had no idea what it implied, or what it even meant.
but i find lately my life to consist of everything queer.
and its strange
because i never imagined my life to be so gay.
i mean really, i had never really lived a super gay lifestyle....i guess till now. i guess once i became a lesbian super star dj at the hottest tuesday night club in new york city!!!!!!! haha ya right.

i think i always viewd the gay lifestyle from some outside window where the fog from my breath would cloud the glass...
but now i sometimes forget that there might be an actual thing going on and all im doing is my daily.

so i wonder if the memories that lay in my head truly existed as some fantastical place that i could always imagine but never quite reach, or
if the memories represent some anticipation, some deception of where your life will evolve.



um. are lesbians supposed to have condomns?

the tangled twisted web

i'd like to state for the record that i grew up a little today.
today i saw beautiful things
and experienced growth in those whom i love.
it can be said that there are days in which the stars are unaligned, the planets are off their tilt.
but today shone with a subtle simplicity.
a perfection lurking under the commonalities that impede our vision of truth.
today i witnessed a genuine person looking herself in the mirror, wiping away the make-up, embracing her wrinkles and honesty.
i witnessed the inevitable fall from grace that, though a long time coming, was incredibly more graceful than any other movement in the piece that is our connection.
and my respect blossomed.

today.
today i heard the sounds of maturity on the other end of a telephone.
i sensed no sheaths nor curtains
no avoidance of confrontation nor disgrace with current placement.
i was communicated a realization, an exhale.
an ownership of relativity.
i felt a root reach down into the core of a connection between two people as it attempted to flower a newness.
the resistance to progress has sat heavily on the sidelines and called interference at every opportunity.
the struggle has been arduous yet i recognize the reward to be precise.
there will be no celebration once this path is reconciled
there will be little communication between the connected parties
but there will be an internal satisfaction
an internal aging that will distance yet attempt a bridge of completion.

and these things i saw today.
these lines i draw today.
all within the same breath as my own accomplishments submit a smile to the soul in which they reside.

it could be the stars, it could be the snow.
it could be that there are so many stories unraveling in each of the many widows we pass as we traverse the paths we choose.
for it is these paths which create our very own stories and enable our innermost growth.
for we shall all grow up some day.

shit is good

shit is good when your business is on a roll
shit is good when you're feeling good about your relationships
shit is good when you feel prepared for law school
shit is good when you are about to divulge your inner thoughts to a room full of people in less than a week.

right now,
i love you.

well.
right now,
i love you too.

not to be repititious but really now.
shit is good so right now,
i love you.

i love you me. me i love me, you.

heard it? well understand it to be that things seem to be rolling down the right hill at this moment.
im finding that groove i have been looking for. and im finding what im good at. and doing it.

so right now,
i love me.

wonder

so i've had the same alarm clock since the fall of 2000. im a bit concerned because i have never changed the battery. its one of those travel alarm clocks with the watch battery in it...
i guess lately i've come to depend on my alarm clock a bit more than my internal clock...
maybe my internal clock is a bit confused and i seek the insurance and security that my travel alarm clock provides me.

i dont think ive adjusted to the routine that new york brings.
maybe im still used to the cali flow of things.

nevertheless things are a brewin and i think im a growin
i feel the tempurature change in the air and the breaths come harder and sharper in my chest.
so maybe this is the time
that time that i've been looking for
the time ive spent searching for
that moment that realization

and whatever.
cuz that word solves so much.

but really i feel the new coming and even tho its late and i've got shit to do tomorrow
i must spend this moment regarding and appreciating what is blossoming

so this is a post for those who think that i've chilled on my writing
this is a message for those who like to read this shit

and by the way, if you do...
check the comments action and send your love through the computer.
share your thoughts to the masses...or at least my masses
the masses in my head.

much love and new parties...
thank you 'caution' wednesday nights...keepin the jams comin

Schmata's

Hey hey hey the schmata's are in town
hey hey hey it is time to get down

well, i must honestly admit that no matter what i am devoted to my family. I always have been. Thing is, there are varying degrees of my commitment. There are those whom i have always been close to. there are those that i've developed relationships with over the years. and there are still those whom i have yet to truly connect with. and, if you know anything about me, creating a connection with a person is extremely important.

my cousins have been coming to new york for a couple of years now for their business. i've met them out and spent some time, but it never seems to suffice to materialize the bridge that will cross our differences and distances.
i can see the roots beginning to grow and the truths beginning to show.

but after all that...
i think it comes down to the simple fact that we share something. we share this innate necessity to have a fucking good time.
they do it.
i do it.
so it is only expected that when we get together we would share in good times.

ok. that being said. i had a fucking good time last night.
even though i was tired, and at the beginning of the night not really in the mood to be in the club...

but shit changes when you're talking to a fucking gorgeous model surrounded by her 30 gorgeous model friends. I must say that there are fucking beautiful women in this town...

anyways, life is really good when you go home after having a great time with your cuz and a fuckin BANGIN ASS girl's number in your phone...

verge

on the verge of another direction
like a bend in the road i recognize and anticipate with the positioning of my hands on the steering wheel.

and i cant sleep.
i cant decide whether to blame it on california time
or staying up with you until 5.30 am on thursday night.

and last night our conversation was insightful.

i find myself at this place
in this space
of calm and collect

and i am excited for what is next. anxious for tomorrow
its funny because i had been struggling these recent months.
i had been blindly trying to find something, and though i have not quite discovered what it is i am searching for, i recognize that the lights have been turned on and i can see where i am looking, what i am touching, no longer fumbling
but i am learning to sit with my dilemas
and avoid future problemas
by taking each moment with appreciation.
there is no need for anticipation.

in our many conversations and late nights spent sharing thoughts and touch
i have learned from you.
for it is not that after one such night i can expect that it will happen again so soon, or even at all
but...
i've rid the anxiety.
it has caused me to appreciate the times that i am able to spend with you.
it has made our interactions invaluable.

and i can recognize the growth as i look back on when i would become frustrated with our interactions, concerned with future reactions.
and i feel the age you have brought to me,
but not like that.
the age you have allowed me to observe within me.

i might have been concerned that i was giving you too much credit...in the past. but that was just it, the past. i honestly feel and will convey to you that, along with my internal journey, my connections with you have enabled me to see.
and to see clearer than i had been.

so enough flattering for one evening, i will end this by simply stating thank you.
thank you for being the intricate person that has aroused my intrigue.

and i appreciate your mantra this week and might adopt it myself for tomorrow as i face the struggles of a new direction.

how do we know

what we want to do with our lives. is it supposed to be programmed into our heads? are we all born with a mission and it simply takes some of us longer to get the message that will self destruct?
there are those who are given the gift of passion and direction. there are those who do what they are told or fall into a routine and live out their lives with very little passion in what they do. and there are still those who have a passion, who desire a rewarding form of making a living, those who want to do what makes them happy but are not as fortunate as those who have been given a clear path to achievement.
do these lost souls wander the earth, odd job after odd job, shifting from doing what they are told to doing what makes them happy.
but there are so many things. like life would be better if there were three of the same person to go out and tackle the world.

and i honestly wonder when you know you've had a nervous breakdown. i mean, in my mind i would imagine it most like a seizure. foam bubbling at the mouth, loss of words and gravity. and then this sort of drugged peace, like some of your mind has been erased and the innocence is replaced

if anyone has any answers i would love to know. i would love the key to unlock my mysery. the answer to the test thats been keeping me up nights, the key to the map that i simply cannot seem to read.

winter afternoons in new york

sometimes i think my life would be perfectly fitting for a sitcom or a reality tv show.
lately new york has lost its luster.
but just as i get back i get into some shit.
i had only been home for 14 hours or so and then comes snapshot...
good times indeed but i often wonder when they will end, like when will the party stop being fun, when will going out become a chore.
and my body is tired, i can feel the age in my bones and my skin pulling away from the meat. my joints crack, my back hurts, i feel the weight of my body. like im witnessing a special on a science channel and im the subject.

so much has changed facing in the windows of my apartment yet so little has changed when looking out of them. i see the same people, the same trees, sometimes bare and sometimes green, the same routines at the same times. the same metal fire escape that never changes its appearance.
but one glance inside these windows at monthly intervals detailing the recent living that has occurred within its view, you would see what would resemble those old-time flicker-film-animation-books. the shifts in residencies, the guests over for meetings or visits, the different people who have slept in this bed with me.
do you think about that? not that there has been an astronomical amount of "sleepover-buddies" in this bed, but it is interesting to think about the various characters that enter your life for whatever period of time, the significance that each of these people represents, and why do some mean more than others, is it timing? is it immediate recognition of differences or similarities in personalities?

is it time to get ready for the day at 3.15pm?