proud?

happy pride all you dykes fags trannies homos queeros lovely beautiful people.
come to my party or we'll never speak again.

and this

i feel the pressures of life and death
the stresses they're right and left.
how it can grow to be
and the growth you constantly see
but how it deteriorates
the time had you hardly wait.
and now its stretching you
teasing you finding you
in the middle.

somewhere stuck. in the middle
always about me. what about them.
thats what i see.
finally.

squeeze in their skin
try to fill their shoes.
concentrate hard as might
try to understand their fight.

but honestly here i sit.
away from it all i fit.
like ive been overlooked
my time underbooked.

so from this high vantage point,
among the great stars
away from it all
yet prepared to fall.

i see possibility.
i feel relativity.

and in this one breath
i'll separate the rest
and now all will come
and then be undone
mind free from this question
save from one last lesson

i think i am done
and my time has come.

planes, trains and automobiles

i awoke this morning to an unfamiliar sound.
stirred by a sense of disassociation with my surroundings, i eased my eyes open and attempted to translate what my ears were hearing. then it hit me.
the sound coming from the window was not the garbage truck or the street cleaner or an ambulance or just plain traffic.
it was the long forgotten sound of the sprinkler in the back yard, the birds chirping, the mild wind blowing.
oh, and it was 6.45 am.

now fully awake at 7, i am able to reflect on my day which ended with me passing out cold at about 11 last night.
to begin, sunday night was a bit frantic and it was coupled with the stress that had begun to eat up my every move, thought, and word. i do believe that if i hadn't have gone on this vacation, i just might have self-destructed. kind of like the messages sent to the team in the mission impossible tv series. its frustrating enough that i anticipate an ulcer as a result of the stress that i filter through my body. but i was beginning to bring others down with me. i would enter a room and suddenly infect everyone with stress and frustration. this is not a healthy working environment.

so sunday night was extraordinarily hectic. i realized that i had to travel two hours to get to the airport on long island to take my free southwest flight. i realized this at midnight, not quite fully packed, with my flight leaving at 9.30am the next day. to make it even worse, i went online to look at the train schedule and see that there are only two options: take the 7.30 train from penn station and arrive at 9am...no good cuz i'd miss my flight; or take the 5.11am train, yes thats 5 in the morning, and arrive at 6.40 with way too much time to kill at a small airport halfway to the hamptons. this was a frustrating discovery at 1am, the time i finally finished packing and getting ready for my trip.

with no other option, i reluctantly fell asleep for 3 hours, rushed out of my house and jumped into a cab thinking i might miss the 5am train. halfway to penn station, i realize i've left my camera, a book, and my fucking ipod. infuriated, i had to continue on to penn station. i buy my ticket and end up waiting around for 15 minutes for the train to come because the cabby really did take me to penn station "as fast as you can please". fuck. i could have turned around and gotten my ipod.

so i board the train and an hour and a half later arrive in sleepy ronkonkoma or whatever it's called...mind you i was delirious at this point. then i take this cute little shuttle to the airport for 5 buck. i check in at 7am and casually ask if there might be an earlier flight so i dont have to wait around for 2 hours. well, there was a flight at 7.30. this made me happy. imagine.

so im walking to the gate, i stop and get some portable cereal (weird concept) and hear my name being called on the loudspeaker. "would southwest arilines passenger shannnna freeed please come to gate 8 immediately". oh shit. i've never had that happen before, even though im notoriously late all the time.

i was actually right there anyways so it wasnt a big deal and i ended up waiting on that strange floating corridor that leads you to the plane because it was backed up. being the last person to board, the flight attendant of course says, "honey, you're going to have to check that luggage because the overhead bins are full". shit, i really didnt want to check my luggage, i packed lightly to avoid a situation like this. regardless, i hand my medium black roll away suitcase to the man in the blue jumpsuit that gets to go down to ground level and put in under the plane. but he was really cute so it was kind of fun anyways. he hands me a handwritten luggage tag and i find a seat between some guy and this older lady with white hair somewhere in the neighborhood of row 22. i hate sitting in the back of the plane. i especially hate sitting in the middle.

so i took half a valium and passed out. but this flight stopped in chicago, lucky me. before landing, the lady and i struck up a conversation that i was actually able to keep my eyelids 2/3 of the way open in order to participate. she was incredibly sweet and was talking to me about living in chicago. she did something for the city because she was looking at a restatement for city codes or something. we talked briefly about how she got to the airport and that her nephew woke up and took her. i did not mention my chaotic trip. i simply did not have the energy to speak so many words.

about 95% of the passengers on the plane got off in chicago. this meant that those of us continuting on to san diego got to relocate. i of course moved right up to the second row and sat next to the window. eventually the plane filled up again and i was joined by some early-twenties-blonde-5 o'clock-shadow-never-took-off-his-ipod (lucky bastard) kid who was probably from san diego. he sat on the end. then this really loud but seemingly harmless woman who must have been about 40 but acted as though she was 23 asks if the seat in the middle was taken. im distracted reading my book but of course observe her because she kind of forced her loudness on anyone from the front row to about row 10. not wanting to find out exactly how obnoxious she could be, i intently kept to myself and continue to read. once i got more water, i took a full valium and soon fell asleep. i awoke almost in san diego to a weird snack that consisted of some low-carb cheese it-type things, oreos, and graham crackers. healthy, really healthy. so i ate the graham crackers because i was in fact starving. remember when they used to give you an apple? anyways, the woman next to me ate her oreos and exclaimed loudly "yay, finally" when the food items were served. she noticed that i only ate the graham crackers and then offered me hers because she "doesnt like honey". i refused politely but was impressed with her consideration. i fell asleep again for maybe half an hour. then woke to prepare for landing. i opened my oreos and gave her two and ate two myself. she then told me a little about herself. she talked about how she was from chicago but recently moved to san diego. she said she liked it but it was a little too slow for her. she said that bars would kick her out after two or three drinks because she was being too "loud and obnoxious". its funny that im sure it had nothing to do with the alcohol. but i became fond of her open-ness and careless nature. she wasn't obnoxious, she was actually sweet, but really, really vocal. so then we all got off the plane and she was out really quick with a "take care new york" directed at me. i replied good bye and got off the plane in san diego.

my last flight, to san jose, was an easy one. its a quick one hour trip and i was arriving earlier than expected because i took that earlier flight in new york. my mother was at the gym so i could not reach her to pick me up. my aunt dino came through and scooped me but only after having to wait until i dealt with baggage claim because guess what...they lost my luggage.
of course right?
and its not that i was angry, just kind of like "i told you so" to myself. they of course could not trace the luggage because my stupid ass threw away the stub when i got on the plane to san diego. the stub had never been entered into a computer because it was done manually and last minute by the cute guy on long island.

anyways, the happy part is that i came home, hung out with my family. my aunt monique arrived shortly after with her husband and her dog. we talked and talked and talked and drank wine and wine and wine and eventually, my luggage did come.

i passed out and the next thing i knew i heard sprinklers.

welcome home...now exhale.

boston

im off to boston in two hours to go to pride and to watch my talented women blow up the pride stage up there. i was supposed to get up early and go to the gym, but instead i got up early and am laying in bed playin on my computer instead. this might change shortly since i still have some time before i have to leave.
today is brooklyn pride and all my friends are flyering for like, every party ever in new york. its kind of funny to think that we're in this thing for real. like snapshot is actually to be taken seriously.
im off to california on monday and wont be back until the 21st of june. this is mostly sad because i will miss my beautiful woman terribly while i am gone, but until then we can still have our late night conversations and calculations.
i will be travelling a lot this summer. my parents think i need to get a part time job. i might do clown parties with my homie. i might become a call girl. i might take over sony entertainment.
for now, i'll be content running around this country with god-des & she and throwing a pretty cool party that seems to be getting cooler.
wifey's away and all i have to say
is that i miss her smile but not her laugh since i hear in on the other end of the phone 42 times a day.

i think that's it for now. my alarm clock keeps going off to remind me to go to the gym. like now. so maybe i will.
happy gay day boston and brooklyn.

so i thought it was...

distraction.
but i've changed my opinion.
now i know its much much bigger than that. and endless, deep, strong, patient.

so this time alone and reflection eternal.

i recall beautiful sunny days with thoughts in my brain
pen and paper in hand
sitting by the reflection pool at the christian science center
in boston.

and i thought i was distracted,
but now i see the intention. somewhere lost in a maze beyond her eyes.
so maybe thats why i stick around. to find the end of the maze.
but its endless, so im engaged. determined but subdued, like a drug.

and while my eyes are locked, my body moves.
it strengthens and grows it sways and flows.

the sense of touch heightened, as i explore.
for my eyes are locked and do not work anymore.

there are places, on a person's body.
like a scented marker or scratch n sniff stickers...you inhale the scent so much you are afraid you'll wear it out.

the moments in fact are hours. the days in fact weeks.
and though it feels like yesterday, its been long since we first did meet.

i think my favorite is, the thing i think of most.
that another individual, strong. willful. pure. has set up post.

nights so long they turn to days.

the thing i want to thank you for.
now i know what it is.
its not that i want to thank you for my growth.
but that i want to thank you for helping me realize that i have grown.
i have grown and i am strong and this is exactly what i desire. all of it.

awaiting the empire.