2.28.2005

i dont

have time or patience for people who need to clear their consciences.
return to fucking sender

2.27.2005

restraint

so i am in the midst of quite the shameful activity tho most of you might not think so....its just usually not my thing.

i am watching the red carpet show for the academy awards.

i know i know...but i got sucked in when SELMA HAYEK strutted her sexy ass across the screen...damn.
i couldnt help but drool, then comes Kate Winslet, another obsession, followed by cate blanchet, and to top it off maggie gyllenhaal...wow.
so i've been entertained these last few moments, but i must turn this garbage off...even oprah looked good...maybe i've had too much wine.

fucking hollywood

2.26.2005

dont hate the straight

so recently i've been put in a strange place.
i have been having these interesting encounters with transmen. and i cant quite figure it out.
these encounters have caused me to question my own sexual identity.
and i sometimes wonder, those nights that i contemplate men in general, the percentage of straight in me.

then on the complete flip side, there is the fact that i always seem to fall for the straight girl.
i mean, after the last straight girl in my life i thought i'd be done...
pain in the ass when you're with a straight girl for several months then she gets engaged to a man, because she was straight the whole time.
well, maybe im a masochist, but i think im doing it again.
i cant get enough of this straight girl, like not enough.
and it kills me every time i look at her, cuz i realize the reality of it all, that i am not supposed to be with straight girls because, well, because they are straight.
no matter how much they try to convince you that they really want to be with women...its a lie.

its fun to date a girl, to kiss a girl, especially in front of your boyfriend if you're in to that sort of thing.
but the thing is, the thing that these straight girls who "like" women dont get...

is that we, us, queers, gays, homos, fags, dykes, trannies...
we live this shit, and we face the world each day with our dykie hair and our butch walk and everything short of a giant sign that reads LESBO.

but i think the best part about my existance is that i am completely free from so many restraints in society. i am already regarded a particular way and with that i am given freedom to do as i choose.

so today my stupid ass chooses to be infatuated with yet another straight girl.
but OMIGOD she's fucking HOT.

2.22.2005

spanish

and now i have way more reggaeton than i know what to do with...
it must be those silly spanish boys who think that
since i love spanish women
i love spanish boys too
maybe.

tho i definitely have a preference in men and its not spanish...
and my preference in women has shifted a bit...

i'll settle for SANE.

is that too much to ask?

2.21.2005

damn lesbians and their silly soap operas

why o why do we have to be represented by such silliness?
i can only remember the days spend in awe of the lesbians,
the nights at bars glancing around the room at the wonders of these women...
and now look at the way they are portrayed.

but, as i so promptly put it last night...
at least there are women having sex on tv.

at least that.

and i love that i think i can have a whole bunch of people over...but in reality there just isnt that much room.
but the food was delicious, and i've come to realize that i only cook middle eastern/mediterranean food.
but i guess thats all i have learned.
so the wine, eggplant/roasted red peppers, israeli tomato salad, avocado, hummus/babaganoush, and fresh mozzerella/tomato salad were delicious, shared with delicious company...

o the L-word premiere, how it brings us queers together...

*i cant fucking wait to go to paris en avril...

2.20.2005

what happens

what happens when someone disappears from friendster?
are they gone forever, have they been wiped away by some unseen hand never to return.
is it one less string that has been detached, leaving you with nothing but a handful of broken cords, memories connected to nothing.
are the days meant to be brighter now that friendster is no longer a reminder?
or was it all just a joke.
the whole thing, from the beginning.

and the nights spent crying, the days spent lying
all these some fabricated act conceived to fill time and space
and put me in my place
as i wait
for the realness
the senseless acceptance of truth.

and then there are the fillers,
those that come and go
those that help you spend your nights, and keep you busy on the phone,
when its time to be alone, they are set free and you can see what you need to be.

o but then there remain some whom you find on the tip of your tongue as you wake from dreaming.
those whom you have to expend effort to dilute their images in your mind.
and they text message you, but you do not reply
they might have thought of you once or twice,
but if they knew of the moments that they surprisedly spring upon your conscious,
how startling, how often, how irritating.

because it is from all of this that i wish to be clear.
to get up in the morning and complete those tasks which await me, to disregard those persons who evade me.

its cold in new york again, responsibilities have lessened, alone time has increased...something i wished for, now i cant seem to get out of bed to do work...the effortless moments are so appealing...

2.14.2005

one year later, valentine

this is an audio post - click to play


"and i want you to know that i love you today...and for all of my tomorrows."
congratulations.

bind

if you want it
baby come and get it
dont you ever even say that you regret it

you worked really hard, thank you.

and for what.
for what purpose, for what pleasure, for what end with all that means, and what does it all mean?

from what can we glean
hope, perserverence, prospect

and now i feel empty, worn, stolen,

and i am beginning to feel disappointment in those around me
in some type of a comparison to my efforts to my sweat to my exhaust.
and it does not compare
i cannot find
i am starting to mind

and i feel a bind,
that i am in
a grind,
i cannot win.

2.12.2005

they once walked here

there is so much to be taken for granted in our everyday lives.
there is so little room for appreciation of what come before.

and of all places, it is this city which cries out with memories and growths and traditions.
we pass them on the street with our heads down and our ipods on.
we carelessly traverse the paths unknowlingly shared with our histories
exist in apartments that once housed many, that were built in an age we cannot fathom.
we complain about space and quality and work and opportunity.
what little we know!
what wealth we have. what possibilities.
all this, an evolution and yet all we can think is revolution
all we desire is to create a newness
to disregard our pasts

didnt you know this is a story and we are but many faces that are party to the protagonist
and these lives we lead have a purpose
and we are blessed with what we have and yet so unappreciative.

remember, and learn
for it is what has come before you that will define what you will become.

2.05.2005

goodbye

so i said goodbye to you tonight.
and with it
i said goodbye to the pain
to the heartache
to the questions that keep me up at night and give me strange dreams
to the reminder of who you were to me of what you've done to me
to the memories that flash in my mind as if to tease me to remind me of what used to be
to the wonders and anticipations that clouded my sense of reality
to the lingering smell of your hair of your skin
to the thought that we may someday again begin
to the feeling of your hand in mine
to the sound of your voice on the line
to the pictures that once adorned my walls
to the loving names you were once called

and here i sit quite alone with myself
and here i sense the subtle tone in myself
the tone it speaks to me
it reassures me and puts me at ease
the tone which soothes me as a mother's nursery rhyme
the tone which has been there the entire time

i wish to be free from you
so i said goodbye
i wish to be clear of you
so i must try

cutting you off is healthy, they say
will make me soulfully wealthy, one day

all the unspoken thoughts
all the moments lost
wasted days
hurried ways

passion pushing illogical melancholical re-runs and take-two's and make you remember me and take you away from me
but now you are not for me
nor are you supposed to be
for it is mine, you see
this time, that you have taken
these freedoms i have forsaken

and so, with one last cry
as the song that once soundtracked our passion,
i wilfully and consciously
must finally say

goodbye.

2.04.2005

whats your favorite ebtg song?

and these things go on and on

but the thing is.

that there is work to be done, and times to be had, and futures to be dreamt, and this to be now.

so let it be
now.

the whole album is good.
but a lot of them remind me of you.
but now a lot reminds me of me.
and of these things i've delved into. and these realms i've entered into.

these are my testimonial declarations of motivation and concentration and anticipation and realization.

there are days like this and that, there are songs like this you forgot exist.
and times.

2.02.2005

understand

here's a somber moment:

so occaisionally i'll become overwhelmed with a thought, and it honestly captures my whole being.
like i've been transported to a memory
or a future.
but im gone.
and it really gets me, emotionally, physically, mentally.
i explore thoughts and ineterests that i maybe never took the time to rememer.
and to remember
do you remember the most unmemorable moments
but for some reason, they become memorable.
i remember the parking lot of the JCC where i used to go to school before i moved to los gatos.
i was always a trouble maker and a bit of a tomboy i might add
so i would play in the tanbark playground,
on the swings, in the little suspended house supported by redwood poles.
on the monkey bars,
upside down.

anyways, i would play football too
sometimes
and sometimes
being, like 5 or 6,
the ball would get thrown into the parking lot to the left of us.

so i went to get it,
and it was hot
like northern california spring time
hot

and as i was getting the ball from between some early 80's oldsmobiles and cheverolet's,
one of them started.
and i was startled.

but i was 5,
or 6

thats my story.