5.27.2004

going going, back back, to cali cali

cross country trip has arrived.
i am going home in about three hours.
miss toni is coming home with me to meet the parents. should be interesting.
i get to see my most favoritest person ever...the insurpassable nate the great. love to the chubb rock dogg and mad love from the parents & bro. oh i cant wait.
so this is me sort of signing off because i honestly dont think i'll be doing too much bloggin while im in sunny cali.

have a fantastic memorial day weekend...especially if you are going to Ptown because i'm extremely jealous.

5.26.2004

Late night salsa

so last night was the weekly, now internally (on this blog) infamous *snapshot* party at second nature. i got there early to drop off some "lounge" music. i then went home for my daily dose of mvp baseball 2004 accompanied by the smell of frying eggplant for my eggplant parmesian which i ate alone. after hurridly eating my dinner, i freshened up and got into a cab with my records in tow. upon my arrival at the club i was exhausted but soon livened up after drinking a makers mark on the rocks, an old signature drink of mine. after that the second, third, and fourth drinks came quite easily. my set went well but a great time was had when miss lauren flax was on the decks...
after getting progresively more intoxicated and smoking more cigarettes, toni showed up and her friend eduardo with his cousin met us at the bar. when i was done playing, the four of us went back to our house to smoke and conversate. after discussions of island laid back living and lving in nyc the dominicans left toni and i alone to our salsa music. and we began to dance. we danced at 2 in the morning swaying and salsa-ing into the night. it was quite cheesy, but really fun. in all honesty i was preparing for tonight. tonight i begin my first salsa dance class with kristen from the job. i am nervous because dancing in front of others while totally sober is not something i do often. i simply assume that its something i need to learn while with the toni marie...
so now i am a late night salsa dancing queen.

5.21.2004

11:49

what is it about relationships that make us so weak? there exists a sense of self providing worth when single that somehow seems to regress when tied to another.

there are certain emotional strengths that get jumbled in the overwhelming confusion of falling in love, strengths that you may not experience loosing, but yearn for once you realize they are gone. a sense of individuality, one that promotes self-confidence, assuredness, self-appreciation, and self-growth, unsharpens itself to where it remains a silhouette of its former glory. and you slowly begin to realize just how important these things are. you are left with a false sense of independence which you believe you can retrieve at any moment, but it is those nights when you yearn for your lover and wish to have something to take your mind off of the vacant cavity in your heart, the restless picking at your frustration, the helpless unknowing of what to do alone, if just for a few hours. this is when you realize just how much of a crutch you've developed. and you always thought that you were stronger than that. you were under the impression that you are superior in independence within the relationship. you pleaded and pressed for nights out alone to be with friends and maintain the false pretense that you were just as strong as before. Hiding under the guise that you were one blink from single...still available, clenching to the institution of dating, flirting, pretending. and all of this because it made you feel good about yourself. because it helped you when you were single. it was the source of acceptance from others that you needed when you had no single person to fulfill this emptiness.

and the question remains. why is it that we are unable to be self-sufficient without another person or group of loosely involved persons to provide us with the strength we need to stand as individuals. being in a relationship hinders the progress on the quest to achieve complete self-fulfillment, while i am under the impression that while single long enough, that goal is attainable. so why then, do we interfere with reaching our goal by involving ourselves in relationships with others that in the end only appears to hurt us. weaken us.

-the cynic

5.20.2004

to the root

ok. seeing as how i just had a traumatic experience i felt the need to let it out. on my lunch break on this normally very happy, sunny day, i took a stroll to the gay dentist in chelsea. this would usually be a very calm experience because i have been frequenting the dentist at least once a year since, well, forever. so i begin my appointment with a full x-ray. then the dentist cleaned my teeth in an interesting manner, one i was not fully accustomed to since i've been loyal to my dentist back home for years now. anyways, the cleaning was relatively easy and we had an extensive discussion about my labret piercing and the damage it was doing to my gums...something i have been aware of for some time. as i was sitting in the chair i decided right then and there to remove my piercing for good. tho i do admit to looking quite dashing with the metal stud in the middle of my face, i realize the regret i will feel once i am 55 years old and without gums for my front bottom teeth. i can somewhat understand where our elders get away with saying such things as "you kids today, so foolish what you do to your bodies in order to look 'cool'". but i do think i look fucking hot with that piercing. anyways, back to the dentist chair where, after the cleaning had concluded, i was given details about my x-rays...not very welcome information. he explained what was going on in my mouth, between my teeth, in places i wasnt fully aware existed. he mentioned that i had about 4 potential cavities, tho one was in a tooth that had already housed a cavity and been filled. apparently, my filling had cracked, tho i dont remember chewing a rather tough piece of metal that had been mounted to my tooth. after the filling had cracked, a cavity had begun to develop underneath the remaining filling. the doctor explained that we would need to "take care of it" as soon as possible, and the assistant muttered something about a root canal. i immediately sat up and said "root canal?...uh-uh, no no no" they tried to calm me down by telling me that they would have a much better idea once they got into the tooth (mind you this terminology wasnt very appetizing), but that it may not be likely that i would need a root canal. despite their attempts to sway me into believing that i would not necessarily need a root canal, it has been the only thing on my mind for the last hour...and will probably follow me to my sleep. upon receiving this information i called my mother, whose had several, to inquire about the details of said root canal. she explained that i receive local anesthetic shot into my gums and have the priveledge of listening to them drill. i said, how do they drill, and where? she said, to the root. "to the root?", i said. to the root.
i think im going to throw up.

remember when

ya hi,
so remember when i used to throw up like 30 posts a day? things have changed. theres a new kid on the block who's taken my main interest...

*snapshot*

so i've been kind of neglectic you all...not to mention the fact that my life has been totally a mess. my apartment is in shambles but has huge potential, especially since this weekend i'll have more than 20 minutes to work on it...

i promise that once i am totally moved in and this website is fully assembled, i will once again be loyal to my blogness...
miss you
nasty

5.17.2004

hectic

is the word of the day to describe my life.
my weekend was crazy...
thursday night i went to open bar at Meow Mix for my friends' new party "recess". that was effective. following the closing of the open bar and the consumption of the remainder of my double fisted drinks, i strolled down the street to iggy's where another friend was throwing her party. it is here that i was seen (pictures taken) biting the ass of my most favoritest bar tender miss jensrockahhhhhh. upon realizing my inebriation had hit a point that suggested i go home, i akwardly strutted home all the while on the phone with someone, tho i dont remember who. once i arrived at my home, ms toni-marie insisted that i drill holes in the wall in order to put the curtains up. not such a good idea when one must balance on chairs and window sills.
the next morning was definitely hung over, to say the least. i inhaled two slices of pizza, a bagel, and cheesecake hoping the food would cure my ailments...it did not. instead, my day soon ended in exhaustion and my retiring to the scarcely furnished new apartment into which i would soon be moving everything i own. along with the reccommendation from friends that i shared a massive sushi platter with for dinner, i submitted to my exhaustion and went home to play mvp baseball 2004 and smoke incredible amounts of marijuana.
the following morning was abrupt and the realization set in that there was A LOT of moving to do. lucky for me, a couple of helpers showed up and the bulk of the stuff from #9 was transferred to #6. we then took a break, did a little shopping, and had brunch at Blue Water Grill...packed on a saturday. my afternoon then led me to thompkins square park where i met with friends for picnic and hackey sack...such hippies we were. the sunshine was wonderful and much needed tho being that im not a typical hippie and i havent been seen recently lounging around in a park legs crossed arms spread, my body was extremely uncomfortable. this caused me to stumble home, still very tired, with the goal of napping in mind. of course, en route to my disheveled home, i was sprung upon by two friends who insisted on inviting me for drinks at Benny's Burito's. being the lush that i am, i could not refuse. we sat, chatted, drank, then left upon getting our fill of margaritas. i, to my bed where i napped for 1.5 hours (as per jackie's instrustions) and the ladies off in their own separate destinations. my nap spilleth over and miss randee was at my door before i knew it to begin our date to the karen malcom sponsored ani difranco concert at carnegie hall. late, as usual, we jumped into a cab just in time to see the hords of lesbians itching to get a glimpse of their fallen dykon, in hopes that she is in fact single, and that she does in fact still like women, especially the 17-21 year olds whom find it necessary in their dykhood to fall in love with and feel an unprecedented emotional connection to ms difranco. "she will be mine" i recall the declaration of many a young lesbo destined to the wonders of the lesbian world. oh ani, the gateway to pussy.
regardless, the show was average, especially since i was once one of the abovementioned sprouting young lesbians and have seen my fair share of ani shows. it was short and randee and i attempted to promote the snapshot party but we had difficulty finding any recipients of the flyers that were of age to drink. once the performance ended, we exited carnegie hall to loud booming thunder and flashing bright lightening. the sky was just about to open up and scream .fuck.you.
and it did...how it did. i truly dont believe i've seen such torrential downpour in my 24 years of living. the gutters were streaming currents similar to those in a white water rafting adventure. after about a minute, it was impossible to fight the wetness and the acceptance of getting soaked became much easier. many plans were cancelled in that rain...yet one remained...i must salsa dance. yes folks, my white ass got on my way to B-52's, a club downtown where older, wiser latina's can go to salsa with one another in quite the lesbian fashion, tho the butch-femme dynamic is heavy here. i did my best to not look as stupid as i felt and shook my ass with my boriqua with the eyes of several of her family members on us. the night ended in an inebriated state, once again...
sunday morning was hectic. ikea is why. me and the missus took the free shuttle from port authority to elizabeth, nj to purchase some goodies from ikea. we did our shopping but as we approached the checkout line we soon realized that there was no way we'd be able to carry these things up from the gate at port authority to the curb where we'd hoped to hail a cab. in a frantic 20 minutes we called all we knew who would be willing to help on a beautiful sunday afternoon...afterall, who the hell would want to come to midtown if they didnt have to.
finally, i somehow convinced my ex girlfriend to meet us there. she showed up rather akwardly with her current lay and aided us in our long journey up an escalator and down the great hall that is port authority, to the lengthening line outside where many angry new yorkers were impatiently waiting for the never arriving cabbies. needless to say it sucked, but the reason is because we were stranded, in midtown, for an hour and a half. waiting for a fucking cab. miserable.
finally our waiting was up and our cab arrived...a chinese knight in shining yellow armor. once we arrived home, the overwhelming realization that we had to be completely out of the old and into the new by the nights end hit us like a ton of bricks. so we took a break...and had italian food.
obviusly the remainder of the night sucked and i finally got to bed at about 4am...only to wake up at 7.30...
and now here i am. at work. wanting to go home, yet dreading the entrance to my disaster of an apartment.
ouch.

5.13.2004

big move

so i have two apartments now...till monday...right next door to eachother. its fun.
wanna help a sista move next door? hit me up.

i love this country

5.10.2004

this is your weekend

let me begin with my friday night which consisted of many men, many, many, many, many gay men.
for some outlandish reason frankie and i went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in CHELSEA of all places. the film was excellent but the setting left much to be desired. there is such a rift amongst gay people these days...dykes vs fags, trans vs dykes vs fags, bi's vs. dykes, str8's vs everyone...such a shame. anyways, the film was great and the company was unprecedented.
saturday began with yet another meeting in the far land of park slope where i oddly ran into ms j and the infamous victim of a biking incident eating brunch. quite a strange circumstance since ms j gives me so much shit for never coming to brooklyn. my saturday evening was flooded with plans but eventually saw myself and frankie smoking entirely too much marijuana and eating mexican food on st. marks and 1st avenue.
sunday involved the weekly trek to magnolia's to sustain toni-marie's unending craving for banana pudding and cupcakes. we then made taco's, listened to salsa, and drank pina colada's altho margaritas would have been more suitable. i then attended a presentation of a trans feminist collaboration, yet again in brooklyn, thrown by my long lost friend leidy whom i havent seen in years. it was wonderful to see old friends and meet new ones.
at the moment i am at the job, wishing i were outside because it is truly fucking beautiful out there and i am stuck in here. if you want to meet me for lunch at the park just give a call and we'll enjoy the sun. otherwise you can stand outside the park and stalk me...

5.07.2004

pussy

i forgot to mention that my family got another cat yesterday to replace Loves...not that any cat could ever replace Loves but i guess my mom wanted a cat to keep the "stray animals" out of the garage...whatever that means. so they got it yesterday and called me on the way back from the aspca inquiring about names...
any suggestions? i was talking to my mom who wanted to name the cat mamacita, my brother who already has a track record of naming the dog Chewbaca, and myself with the name Loves for a cat on my resume (hey, i was seven). i suggested Orange. nothing rhymes with orange, and the cat is black and white. sounds good to me...post suggestions please, this pussy needs a name. we could always call it cooter...a name used by the sweets to refer to her feminine part. that would be funny wouldnt it...a pussy named cooter...

stupid straight men

i've decided that being with a truly beautiful woman when you're a woman yourself may not be all that it is cracked up to be. i never quite realized how obnoxious some men can be. simply walking down the street with this girl can frustrate me and irritate me, and that is just when they are trying to talk to her. the best is when they talk to both of us and ask questions...are you bisexual? are you lesbian? do you want a boyfriend? can i join? and when they start asking to take pictures with you like you're some travelling road show it can be quite demoralizing. and i dont know why i let them get the better of me. typically, i am a strong self fulfilling woman who has no problems telling anyone exactly what i think of them or specifically why i would never want to let some creepy kid scrawling around the city's streets at a not so decent hour take a fucking picture of my girlfriend. maybe i was tired, maybe i didnt care at the time, for whatever reason i sat back and watched this happen. regrets.
oh, and eating sushi at midnight at GO sushi on St Marks isnt always the best idea when you need to be up early the next morning...something about sushi that instills a deep desire for beer in me...

so i didnt go out as planned. i had a pretty hectic evening laid out for myself last night but instead chose to go with what i felt. it began as i left work early to attend the screening of an independent film that i began to produce...but eventually fell off from for whatever reason. so i hurried my ass over to Pratt in brooklyn by taking the Q to the L to the fucking stupid-ass-why did they build the tracks if they arent going to put trains on it- G train...or the ghost train as my friend sarah mentioned as i ran into her on the L train platform. the film actually ended up quite good and i am proud to have been a part of it, though i find it quirky that tony (the writer/director/everything) gave me an executive producer credit seeing as how i definatly fell off the project and wasnt even really around to see the last few days of shooting. but for what its worth i did put some hard work and long hours into it so its nice to get the credit. i was actually also in the movie as a waitress...that was funny.
so i then began my journey home from fuck off brooklyn and made it home in time to watch the friends finale which wasnt necissarily such a big deal in my book but it seemed more important than playing another game of mvp baseball 2004. the girl came home early and after watching some tv we went on our outing into the carnivorous world of unintelligent men. and sushi.

5.06.2004

cuz

this is a shout out to my cuz and my most favoritist, bestest, closest, most wonderfullest friend in the whole world for the rest of my life...
the original n8.
more love for this kid than pretty much anyone else on this planet, save my momma, mi papi, et mon frere.

glad to be chattin with you daily kid.

5.04.2004

update

its been a long time...i shouldnta left you...without a dope beat to step to. sorry for the incredibly stupid timbaland quote.
so what did you do this weekend? me? o nothing.
i actually had quite the satisfying evening on saturday night. and no it did not include anything that straps on or any other persons for that matter. the evening was spent simply and quietly by my lonesome in front of my baby...in this instance "baby" refers to my G4, thats a computer for all you non-mac-friendly folk. i was putting in long hours for the premiere of the all new flashy snapshot video which was supposed to occur tonight. due to my lack of speediness within the realm of after effects, the premiere has been moved to next tuesday tho you will see much of my hard work on the projector tonight.
friday night i had plans to go to "heaven" some big lesbo night with scary people that i wouldnt want to dance with or dance next to in some cases. i was supposed to go with my friends s&s, a couple i am happy to see are on their way back to being a couple. i trekked to 6th ave and 18th st with frankie and toni but we got out of it by eating the most horrible food ever instead. toni, miss bottomless appetite, was hungry. we agreed to meet in the club after we ate. across the street shone the "hollywood diner"...dont EVER eat there. not only was our server senile and contagious, but the food was horrific. i was served two pieces of bread with cold tuna and cold, crusty once heated then cooled american kraft singles "melted" over the tuna. it made me nautious and therefore kept me hungry. we left the diner and went home. no dancing.
sunday was a little more seclusive. i stayed in and cleaned, edited, ran errands, and bought vinyl. perhaps one of my most fulfilling tasks is buying vinyl. especially when i justify it by using snapshot as an excuse.
last night i did very much the same as saturday. came home from work and sat in front of the computer. when the missus came home we tiffed, then i smoked, nearly had a panic attack and seriously thought i was tripping. its odd what your mind will do to you, especially under the influence of some drugs added to pot. because im telling you that wasnt just pot. my shit was fucked up. i mean, there were people crawling on my skin and melodies sung in my head rhythmically, repeatedly, like a factory...then came the panic. the, omigod how come my heart is beating so fast, i cant catch my breathe, im gonna die right here and toni doesnt know what to do...
the panic soon passed and i became just high again, a relief because for a minute there i was actually contempltaing never smoking again...kind of like when you're hunched over the toilet after drinking way too much tequila vowing to never, ever, ever, drink again. yet the next night you can be found with a margarita in your hand...
ya thats the sort of thing
anyways, enough of my rant. if you read this, you should come out to snapshot tonight. if you dont read this, you should come too. if you know anyone who is transexual...i need to know where i can join a club because it seems like all these people i know are, or are in some form of a transition from female to male...let me know where to sign up. for the club that is, not the surgery.